I have had a few realizations in the past week. Some of these realizations were through self reflection and meditation and the others hit me over the head all by themselves. I would like to share these on my blog, and so comes the first realization.

I thought I was the only one reading my blog. I always knew there were the spammers from some eastern European country, but now I know two other people read it as well. That was a surprise. This entry will be now written for three people… myself and my readers – you know who you are.

I was away for the Silly Season.  I went back home for the first time in three years. That’s the second realization… three years is a long time.  People change quite a bit in three years. Of course some things are the same. My mom is still trying to fill some void by renovating, dad is still cooking three meats to many for one meal, my brother still knows way to much about maps and TV signals, and my 26 year old sister is still 12.   The changes are subtle but they are still there – my mom is a suffering abstantee Grandma, my dad is sick and retired, my brother has a degree and an extra 100 killos, and my sister saves lives (and she’s ONLY 12!!!).

The next realization is that my family is insane.  When did that happen? I had to reflect on this one to see if the insanity spontaneously manifested since I left – which was over 18 years ago – or if it was always there.   Long reflection short – it was always there.   It’s a grass roots insanity.  I believe it’s in the blood.   There is no escaping it.  By living together they all see the world through the same window and that makes them nutty.   I have to hand it to them though, they have each other’s back when it comes to defending their nuttality.   I could get into details but that would just be “telling tales out of school” as my mom always said.

That realization spawned another one – I am part of that family.   Am I insane?   A brief history of my family, my mom re-married so my father is my step father and my brother and sister are half siblings.  So if it is really in the blood, then whose blood?   I can hope and pray to the flying spaghetti monster all I want, but I cannot escape the empirical evidence.   My grandma was bonkers, my extended family medicates their insanity, I might be insane as well. But not to worry it’s only a self destructive type of insanity, it usually doesn’t directly effect the outside world. No Koresh’s or Jones’ in the making here.

I have quirks like anybody else but am I insane like my family?   So to figure this out I naturally reflected on Tim Robbins.  Yes that Tim Robbins, the most repulsive actor in Hollywood.  You know the guy, was married to Susan Sarandon, made a few movies, liberal activist. I love movies. Love them.   But I haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption – voted the #1 movie on IMDB – because of him.   It’s an irrational dislike, totally irrational.  Is that a symptom of my version of the family insanity?  Being totally irrational and not knowing it?

That realization made me look at my past and see if I have the disease. What I found is that I am rife with it. My illness manifests itself though relationships as well as Tim Robbins. I tend to destroy them, relationships that is.   It’s as I feel like I do not deserve them, so if they don’t naturally destruct I sabotage them.   I have ways to push even the most clingy person away. My hope is that diagnosing the insanity at any stage before death means that it’s not terminal.

These realizations prompted me to blog, and the blog is an attempt to reduce the insanity or maybe manage it.  Instead of my natural impulse to cut and run, how about listen and share?   It sounds crazy to me, but so does Tim Robbins being in the #1 movie of all time, so I might be on the right track.